What It Feels Like to Live on the Surface (And Why Some of Us Just Can’t)

A reflection on sensitivity, depth, and the quiet cost of pretending everything’s fine.

I recently published an essay with Elephant Journal called “What It Feels Like to Live on the Surface”. In it, I explore the experience of surface living—why some people thrive there, and why others eventually feel restless, disconnected, or unseen.

Surface Living Isn’t Always Shallow

As a therapist—and as someone who feels deeply—I’ve often wondered how some people move through life without touching the deeper parts of themselves. For years, I told myself it was because they were shallow. But if I’m honest, that was a shallow judgment of its own.

Over time, I’ve come to understand: surface living isn’t always avoidance. Sometimes, it’s regulation. Safety. Simplicity. Not everyone needs to dive deep to feel whole. For some, staying focused on the here and now—without overanalyzing—is exactly what peace looks like.

And that’s okay.

The Quiet Cost of Living on the Surface

But for others—myself, and many of the clients I work with—surface living eventually carries a quiet cost. A dullness. A disconnection. A sense that something unnamed waits just beneath the surface.

Research on highly sensitive people (Aron, 1997) suggests that some nervous systems are literally wired to notice subtle cues, process experiences more deeply, and feel things with greater intensity. That sensitivity, while sometimes overwhelming, can also be a profound strength when we learn to honor it. Neuroscience backs this up: depth of emotional processing activates brain regions tied to meaning-making and self-awareness, which may explain why “going deep” feels like a necessity for some of us.

Why Depth Matters for Sensitive People

We’re wired differently. We notice the pauses, the tone shifts, the spaces between words. We want more than politeness. We want realness. That life can feel heavy at times—because we grieve deeply and love with our whole being—but it’s also a profound strength.

Still, not everyone has the same threshold for depth, and that isn’t a flaw. What we all share is a human need: to feel seen, understood, appreciated, and known. Sometimes that need shows up in laughter, companionship, or usefulness. Other times, it demands soul-level connection.

The Universal Need to Be Witnessed

And when that need goes unmet—when we feel lonely even in a crowded room—it’s often a sign that something within us is asking to be witnessed.

Not by everyone. But by someone. And most importantly, by ourselves.

So if you’re tired of performing… if something inside you is craving more… it may be time to listen.

You don’t have to go deep with everyone. But you do deserve to be known—with all the sensitivity, depth, and unseen truth you carry.

✨ Read the full essay here: What It Feels Like to Live on the Surface (Elephant Journal) ✨