On change, loss, death, and rebirth

Loss. It is a natural part of life, but one that some of us never come to terms with. Loss, in essence, is when something in our lives changes or goes away. The seasons change through the year, we lose one season and gain another. The time of day changes from morning, to noon, to evening, but then those times return the next day. Who we are changes throughout our lives. We change jobs, change homes, change friends, our health may change for the better, then for the worse, then for the better again, or the people we love may change. We lose and gain, lose and gain, again and again throughout our lifetime. Every seven years the cells in our entire body even change, literally regenerating and shedding an old self for a new one.There is a natural cycle, a rhythm to life if you pay attention to it. Constant death and rebirth occurs in nature and all around us all the time. Yet we humans have such difficulty with this cycle, this rhythm of change. We are inherently wired to become attached to permanency. We will even find ways to externally control our environments so that things don't change, even if life keeps telling us that it's time for a change, a new season, a new cycle of life to emerge. Sometimes we resist change, resist loss so much that we just get stuck. We refuse to let go and instead choose to stay unhappy, bitter, afraid, or angry at the impending loss, and ask "why me" even though no one is exempt from change, and it's happening to everyone, everywhere, all the time.So how do we go about helping our brain get used to the idea of change, of loss, of death and rebirth?

A word that comes to my mind pretty often when thinking about loss and change is the word surrender. When we let go of whatever it is we are desperately clinging onto, whether it is letting go of an idea about the kind of life we thought we should have, letting go of a person, letting go of a belief that no longer serves us, we are more equipped to walk through the change with grace and resiliency. Merriam Webster defines resilience as 1. the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens; and 2. the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.By no means is surrender easy. In fact, surrender is probably one of the most difficult things we can do in life because it means admitting that much of what we think we can control is illusory. Surrender also doesn't happen all at once. We may have to make a conscious daily choice to let go of someone or some thing repeatedly. Forgiveness may also be part of the surrendering process. We may have to forgive God, forgive ourselves, or forgive another as we surrender the loss in our lives. It's natural to grieve when surrendering and natural to go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, and depression so that we can ultimately find acceptance. When we surrender to the fact that we must all walk through the discomfort of loss, we grow, and sometimes what we "gain" from the loss is tenfold. We may gain wisdom, clarity, freedom, a greater sense of self or others, a greater appreciation for life and reverence for death, more compassion, etc. All things we wouldn't have gained, had we fought and resisted the change and chosen instead to remain stuck.Maybe right now you are in the middle of a change and you are scared to let go and surrender. Maybe you feel stuck and trapped, too scared to move forward, but also equally aware that it's impossible to stay in the same place. Maybe it is time to surrender, even if it's a little at a time, to the reality that change is inevitable and that when you are ready to make a choice to walk through it instead of around it, you will come out the other side as a stronger, courageous, wiser version of yourself. Below is the serenity prayer that is said in 12 step meetings and is a reminder of what we can and cannot control. It's something you can say daily as you release control over that which is uncontrollable:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.