Creating a new blueprint

Emotional Triggers and the Illusion of Regression

I had an experience with someone a few weeks ago that really triggered me emotionally, and I was in a funk for quite a while. I would pull myself out of the funk, only to find myself thinking about it again the next day. It was incredibly frustrating because I didn’t know how to stop obsessing about the incident that had happened.

I felt like all the leaps and strides I had made in my own emotional growth were not reality or truth, and that I had only fooled myself into believing I had grown. But yesterday, I had a realization and reminder about emotional growth after talking to a good friend who has known me well for seven years. She reminded and reassured me that I have, in fact, grown—even if it doesn’t look like it through my own eyes at times.

Understanding the Nature of Emotional Growth

When we think about learning and growing, we tend to believe it is a linear process. That’s how we learn reading, writing, and math. When we learn to read, we first learn the letters of the alphabet, then the sounds they make, then we blend sounds together and sound out words. Next, we read sentences in basic reading books and eventually move onto chapter books.

It’s a linear process, and we sometimes make the assumption that all learning and growing looks linear. However, emotional learning and growth don’t work the same way. Emotional growth is a spiral process.

Think about the spiral on a notebook. From bottom to top, that’s how our emotional growth looks.

Growth Looks Like a Spiral, Not a Straight Line

If you are someone who is focused on growing emotionally, you may notice that you return again and again to some of the same lessons. It may sometimes feel circular and even frustrating, but each time, you’re at a higher level of consciousness and awareness.

Maybe you are responding differently to an old trigger, even if the internal feelings are still the same. Maybe you pull out of the trigger quicker, even if the trigger still happens.

My guess is that if you are trying to grow emotionally—then very likely, you are growing, even without full awareness of it. And if you're not sure, ask someone you trust to give you honest feedback.

The Lessons Keep Coming

I wanted to feel unaffected by the experience. I wanted to blow it off, let it go, and not allow the emotion of sadness to affect me—but it did.

The lessons keep coming. Sometimes they are big lessons, and that old internal blueprint naturally and habitually pops up.

But there's a famous poem I will leave you with by Portia Nelson that always provides me encouragement. Hopefully it will encourage you, too, when you feel like you are stuck.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

CHAPTER ONE I walk down a street and there’s a big hole. I don’t see it and fall into it. It’s dark and hopeless, and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It’s not my fault!

CHAPTER TWO I walk down the same street. There’s a big hole, and I can see it, but I still fall in. It’s dark and hopeless, and it takes me a long time to get out. It’s still not my fault.

CHAPTER THREE I walk down a street. There’s a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It’s become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.

CHAPTER FOUR I walk down a street. There’s a big hole. And I walk around it.

CHAPTER FIVE I walk down a different street.