The Surprisingly Funny (and Sometimes Tragic) Causes of Codependency: A Journey of Unhealthy Attachment

Ah, codependency. That charming little habit where you can't quite tell where you end and someone else begins, and you’ll literally do anything to avoid the crushing terror of being alone with your thoughts. 

So, what causes this strange and all-encompassing love affair with other people’s problems?  

The "I’m Fine, You’re Fine" Family Model

This is where everyone in the family pretends everything is great and refuses to acknowledge that dad's raging anger or alcoholism could possibly be a thing. In this environment, emotions are ignored and never spoken about. You've implicitly signed the social contract to agree that to really love someone, you have to silently absorb all their emotional turmoil without a second thought. 

As a result, you become the go-to emotional support animal, which is fine, you tell everyone... until your own mental health starts barking for attention. Perhaps it looks like depression or anxiety, sometimes it's not a mental health issue, but something that turns into a chronic health issue like an autoimmune issue. Yes, chronic stress can cause chronic physical health issues. 

The "I’m Here to Save You" Superhero Syndrome

Codependent people often feel like they’ve been assigned a secret mission by the universe: Save Everyone. If there’s a person in their life who is struggling, that person instantly becomes their personal project. What they're not doing is slowing down and being honest with themselves about why. 

“I just want to help you be a better person!” they declare, enthusiastically. Sure, that’s nice and all, but let’s be real: you’re not a therapist, you’re not a miracle worker, and you’re definitely not a licensed professional in “fixing people.” But that doesn’t stop the codependent from acting like their partner’s emotional architect, tearing down the walls of their insecurity and attempting to rebuild them with love, patience, and way too many YouTube therapy videos.

Guess what? You can't fix people. And the real reason you try is because you fear abandonment. You've come to believe that your worth is tied to what you can "do" for others. This leads to the next bold title. 

Low Self-Worth, or "I’ll Just Be Who You Need Me to Be"

Here's a classic one: low self-esteem. Everyone's favorite baggage. You might not think you’re enough on your own, so you put all your energy into being what others need you to be—because, if you’re useful, at least you won’t be abandoned, right? (Newsflash: this rarely works in the long run, but it makes for some excellent anxiety.)

Codependents often struggle with setting boundaries, because, well, they’ve never really had them. When you can’t say “no” to your friend who insists on borrowing your car even though they’ve crashed it twice, or your partner who “doesn’t really want to talk about their feelings” but really needs you to help them sort through every emotional meltdown, you might be a codependent. Not having boundaries is like living in a house with no walls—except there’s a dog who pees on the floor, and you have no idea where the bathroom is.

The "I Can’t Be Alone" Club

Here’s a fun one: a fear of being alone. If you’re codependent, as mentioned previously you probably have a deep fear of abandonment and/or rejection that traces back to your early formidable years. The thought of solitude is a no-go zone, and the silence of a quiet room feels like a personal attack. You might find yourself calling up friends, family, or even random acquaintances from your high school class, just to fill the void.

The kicker? This often leads to staying in toxic relationships because, hey, at least someone’s there, right? You’d rather play emotional ping-pong with someone who drains you than risk the possibility of facing your own thoughts. This, my friend, is the definition of codependency: emotionally attaching to someone else because the idea of being by yourself seems too terrifying to bear.

Codependents often become “people pleasers” in the extreme, molding themselves to meet everyone else’s expectations. This leads to a very unhealthy cycle of needing validation from others to feel okay about themselves.

But, in reality, they’re rejecting themselves by not taking the time to understand what they actually need. You're allowed to say "no." (And no, your self-worth is not determined by your ability to make other people happy.)

The Drama Magnet

If you’ve ever found yourself in a relationship where it feels like there’s a new crisis every week (because of your partner's job, family, or inability to keep plants alive), you might just be a drama magnet. Codependents often gravitate toward drama, because it gives them something to do. There’s a constant cycle of problems to solve, and for the codependent, that’s oddly satisfying.

The problem? They end up stuck in a loop of emotional burnout. But hey, at least when the next crisis hits (because there will be a next crisis), you’ll be there, ready to step in and save the day—until your emotional reserves run out, and then you’ll need a nap for six days.

Conclusion: A Little Help Goes a Long Way (But Don’t Lose Yourself in the Process)

At the end of the day, codependency is a slippery slope that starts with the best of intentions: wanting to help, to love, and to be loved. But when the need to fix or save others overtakes your own needs, you’ve got yourself a recipe for burnout, and resentment.

If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, don't worry—you're not alone. The first step toward breaking the cycle is acknowledging that, hey, maybe you deserve to be happy and healthy, too. And no, you don’t need to solve everyone’s problems to be loved.

So, if you find yourself putting on your cape and getting ready to “save” someone for the 23rd time this week, take a deep breath, and remember: It’s not your job to fix people. And if they love you, they’ll understand that. If they don’t, well... maybe it’s time to find someone with fewer emotional crises.