Healing from the Need to Fix: Reclaiming Your Emotional Boundaries
Originally written in 2018 and first published on Therapy Den, this post has been significantly updated and expanded to reflect seven more years of clinical experience and deeper personal insight. While the heart of the message remains — letting go of the urge to fix others and reclaiming your emotional boundaries — this version goes further into the nuance, offering clearer examples, fresh language, and more tools for healing.
The Problem with Taking Responsibility for Everyone Else
I started carrying adult responsibilities far too early in life, and that shaped how I saw the world. I grew up believing that if someone around me was upset — sad, angry, withdrawn — it had something to do with me. And if it was about me, then I could fix it. I just had to try harder, be better, figure out the magic combination of kindness, compliance, and emotional vigilance to keep things steady.
It took me years to see how damaging this mindset really was. When you take on everyone else’s emotional weight, you don’t just exhaust yourself — you also quietly send a message to others that they don’t have to carry their own. People who take responsibility for everything tend to attract those who take responsibility for nothing.
I told myself that if I could just soften my tone, be less sensitive, avoid being "too much," or manage my own reactions better, then other people would treat me the way I deserved. But here’s the truth I came to understand, both in my personal healing and in my work with clients:
Trying to earn better treatment by abandoning yourself is still self-abandonment.
And that’s not empowerment — it’s a trap.
What You Can (and Can’t) Control in Relationships
One of the most powerful shifts I experienced was learning where my power actually begins and ends. At first, letting go of control can feel like giving up. But in reality, it was the beginning of something deeply freeing and what I had intuitively been yearning for most my life.
What You Can’t Control
You cannot control another person’s behavior, thoughts, or emotional reality. It doesn’t matter how much love you give, how carefully you speak, or how perfectly you perform. You can't make someone grow. You can't make someone see you clearly. And you can't love someone into being safe.
Here's a metaphor I often share with clients: Imagine you're holding a pen, but you desperately want it to be a pencil. You hug it, plead with it, change your tone, adjust your grip — but it remains a pen. It writes like a pen. It won’t erase like a pencil. That’s not because you’re failing. It’s because it was never designed to be anything else.
If you’re wired for codependence, you might find yourself becoming the notepad, the envelope, the whole damn desk — anything to give the pen a place to land. But the pen doesn’t change. It keeps scribbling, leaking ink where you made space for clarity.
Some people won’t hear your truth because they’re still lying to themselves. And some people lack the capacity to meet you — not because you’re unworthy, but because they haven’t met themselves yet.
What You Can Control
You can control your awareness. Your boundaries. Your voice. You can learn to pause instead of spiraling, to respond rather than react. You can notice the stories your nervous system is telling you — the ones about how it must be your fault — and choose to tell a new one.
That doesn’t mean you’ll always get it right. You’ll still have messy moments. We all do. But the difference is this: you’ll stop handing your power to people who haven’t earned your trust.
Whenever you feel triggered, I invite you to check in gently:
What story is playing in my mind right now?
What emotion is trying to speak?
What do I actually need in this moment?
The more you practice this, the clearer your boundaries become — not as walls, but as invitations. Not as punishments, but as clarity.
Where Your Personal Power Lives
True power doesn’t come from fixing or pleasing. It comes from knowing where you end and someone else begins. It lives in the moments when you choose to stay grounded in your truth even if someone else doesn’t like it. It’s the clarity that helps you stay — or walk away — with integrity.
Owning your voice, your needs, and your limits doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you whole. And over time, it draws in the kind of connection where mutual respect replaces emotional caretaking, and authenticity replaces performative peace.
When This Still Feels Hard
Sometimes, even when we’re doing the work, it still hurts. You might still find yourself spinning. You might wonder why it’s not easier yet. That’s not failure — it’s healing in motion.
You don’t need to be perfect to be on the right path. You just need to keep noticing what isn’t yours to carry. You just need to keep showing up for yourself — again and again — until it feels like home.
I offer trauma-informed therapy for women and adult children of emotionally unavailable or chaotic families. If you’re ready to reclaim your boundaries and stop over-functioning for others, book a free 15-minute consultation or join my newsletter for weekly insights on emotional resilience, codependency recovery, and embodied self-trust.