The Pitfall of "Us versus them"
Editorial Note: This post was originally published in 2017 and has been updated in 2025 to reflect therapeutic insights from Internal Family Systems (IFS) and emotional healing practices.
Fragmentation, Identity, and Belonging
“There are more differences within groups than between groups.” That was a message one of my mentors—a progressive and insightful nun—repeated often. At the time, I heard it as a commentary on politics and culture. But over the years, and through my work as a therapist, I’ve come to realize it reflects something much deeper: the ways we fragment inside ourselves and project those divisions onto the world around us.
How We Internalize “Us vs. Them”
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, our minds are naturally made up of many parts. Some parts carry fear, anger, vulnerability, or the need for belonging. Others take on roles to protect us from pain—managing how we fit into groups, how we are seen, and how safe we feel in an uncertain world.
When these parts become extreme or burdened, they can lead to polarization inside us:
A part of us that desperately wants acceptance by a group.
A part that harshly judges those we see as "other."
A part that fears being judged or rejected for holding contradictory values.
Externally, these polarized parts can show up as “us versus them” thinking—categorizing people into rigid boxes based on group identity, political affiliation, religion, race, or belief system.
The Cost of Othering
When we project our disowned parts onto others, we lose the ability to see people as whole and complex. We may assume that anyone who belongs to a certain group must think, believe, or act in a particular way. We collapse their full humanity into a stereotype.
This mirrors what happens inside ourselves when we exile certain parts—labeling them "bad," "wrong," or "dangerous"—instead of approaching them with curiosity and compassion.
IFS reminds us that just as no part of us is inherently bad, no person is fully defined by the groups they belong to.
Embracing Complexity: Healing from Within
True healing invites us to lean into ambiguity.
To recognize that a person can be both deeply strong and soft at the same time.
That someone can hold liberal and conservative values at once.
That within each of us are seemingly contradictory parts — and that is not wrong, it’s human.
When we build relationships with our internal system through Self-leadership—curious, calm, compassionate presence—we become more capable of seeing others through the same lens.
We no longer need to split the world into heroes and villains, insiders and outsiders. We see people (and ourselves) as messy, layered, evolving beings.
An Invitation to Inner and Outer Healing
If you find yourself stuck in rigid group identities—or feeling judged based on a group you belong to—it might be a signal that protector parts are working overtime to keep you safe.
IFS teaches us that growth doesn't come from shaming these parts away. It comes from getting curious about their fears, their hopes, and the burdens they carry.
Healing the “us versus them” mentality begins inside:
With compassionate curiosity toward the parts of ourselves we fear or reject.
With a willingness to sit in the discomfort of complexity.
With the courage to extend the same grace outward to others.
Because maybe, just maybe, there are more differences within us—and within every group—than between us.