The pitfall of "Us versus them"

“There are more differences within groups than between groups.” My academic adviser in graduate school would constantly repeat this phrase in her lectures. She was a 70 year old liberal and progressive nun preparing us to work in the field of counseling. She was not what you would expect a nun to be like. Her words still echo in my head often. Because of her and other life experiences I am reminded, people don’t fit so easily into the boxes we want them to.

We tend to draw broad brush strokes about group affiliation. For instance, if you are Republican you must also be pro-gun, pro-life, conservative, and Christian, and also (dare I say) pro Donald Trump and possibly xenophobic, homophobic, and misogynistic, or so it appears to the “other group.” Or if you are a Democrat, you must also be pro-choice, anti-gun, and a bleeding heart liberal, socialist hippy who wants to give everyone a free ride or so it appears to the “other group.” Both groups think the “other group” is lacking in intelligence, morality, or both.

Are those assumptions really the case though? Or can we at least try to consider that even within a group there are hundreds if not thousands of individual differences that may be value related, environmentally related, genetically related, or based on our very personal and unique life experiences? I have been part of many groups throughout my lifetime. Some groups I still belong to. However, I have noticed that although there may be one idea that brings me together with others, I am also different and unique and so are the other individuals in that group.

Some will say that stereotypes about who people are within groups exist for a reason, because at one point, or at multiple points, a pattern was seen in or among that group. But is the stereotype accurate about the actual individual that is part of that group? Or is it part of a narrative that a portion of our society has chosen to agree with?

What group are you affiliated with or what group do you strongly identify with? Is it the Republicans or the Democrats, the Libertarians, or the Green Party? Are you part of an LGBTQ community or a Christian church? Do you identify as Caucasian, Hispanic, or African American? Are you Jewish, Muslim, Christian or Atheist?

Groups can bring us a sense of safety, and support. Groups can also divide people further apart, polarizing and creating an “us versus them attitude.” “You are either for us or against us.” It sometimes seems you are ONLY allowed to hold one set of beliefs in your hand and you are ONLY allowed to let one type of people in the group. You HAVE to choose sides. If you don’t follow that unwritten rule then it is considered a threat to the harmony of the group. But how does this actually help us grow as individuals?

Is it possible that you can be both for and against what a group stands for? Or that you can actually support two groups who look like they are both in opposition? Is it possible to hold two seemingly contradicting and opposing views in your hand? I know Christians who have gay children and who also love, embrace, and appreciate their child for exactly who they are. Likewise there are Christian families who have shunned their own gay children. However, we sometimes make the false assumption that all Christians believe that homosexuality is a sin and that all Christians must fall into one group. This is only one of hundreds of examples of stories I have heard where I have been reminded-people don’t fit so nicely into the boxes we try to create for them.

We so easily put ourselves and others in boxes because it creates a sense of certainty, order, simplicity, and structure in a world that already feels so uncertain, scary, and chaotic. But what if we allowed ourselves to lean into the discomfort of ambiguity and uncertainty? Would doing so actually enlighten us, expand who we are? Is it possible that none of us know the full truth of another individual’s experience and that sometimes we quickly judge them based on the group they either identify with or look like they belong to? Maybe the first step in individual growth is being aware of our pre-conceived notions of both ourselves and others. Maybe we can even consider that perhaps there are more differences within groups than between groups.