What a Thanksgiving turkey can teach us about the rules we inherit.

There's a story I sometimes tell clients about a little boy watching his mother prepare Thanksgiving dinner.

Before putting the turkey in the oven, she cuts off its legs.

He asks why.

"Because that's how your grandmother always did it."

Curious, he asks his grandmother, who tells him the same thing. Her mother always cut the legs off the turkey.

Finally, he asks his great-grandmother.

She laughs.

"Because my pan was too small."

Three generations had been cutting the legs off their turkeys because nobody thought to question why.

I love this story because it illustrates something I see repeatedly in therapy. We inherit ways of thinking and behaving that made sense under circumstances that may no longer exist. Sometimes we continue following those rules long after we've forgotten where they came from.

And sometimes we feel guilty simply for considering doing something differently.

Where Does Guilt Come From? Who Says?

Think about some of the messages you may have grown up hearing: Family comes first. Be the bigger person. Good mothers put their children first. Don't be selfish. Forgive and forget.

Who says?

I'm genuinely interested in that question.

Who decided these were the rules? What circumstances produced them? Who benefits when we follow them? And what happens when we don't?

Many of these expectations developed around legitimate needs. Families depend on cooperation. Children need care. Communities need people who look out for one another.

But there is a difference between valuing generosity and expecting someone to sacrifice themselves indefinitely. There is also a difference between choosing to forgive and being told that forgiveness makes you a better person.

We can understand why a rule developed without continuing to live by it.

The Cultural Cost of Women Putting Themselves First

I've become increasingly interested in the rules women inherit about how they're supposed to behave. Be nice. Be accommodating. Consider everyone else's feelings. Don't be difficult.

Research suggests these aren't simply harmless messages. Studies have found that women who behave assertively can be judged more negatively for violating expectations of feminine niceness. Other research suggests that women sometimes anticipate those reactions and adjust how they advocate for themselves.

We're encouraged to be confident and independent, but the response to a woman exercising that independence isn't always positive.

So, when a woman feels uncomfortable disappointing someone, I don't automatically assume she has a boundary problem or unresolved trauma. I want to know what she's learned about the consequences of disappointing people.

Sometimes she's afraid of something that happens repeatedly and often to her.

When Normal Isn't Necessarily Healthy

This is one of the ideas I appreciate about Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté's book The Myth of Normal: we can become so accustomed to the expectations of our families and cultures that we rarely question whether they're healthy for us.

In therapy, we often begin by examining the individual. But I think we also need to ask what people have been adapting to.

If you're praised for being accommodating, expressing anger may feel inconsistent with being a good person. And if you've spent years being the dependable one, you might not know what to do with yourself when you no longer want that role.

We sometimes call these behaviors people-pleasing or codependency. Those descriptions can be useful, but they don't automatically explain the whole picture. Not every learned expectation is evidence of a psychological problem.

Sometimes we're simply following rules that were never ours to begin with.

Why Knowing Better Doesn't Always Change How You Feel

Of course, recognizing an inherited expectation doesn't necessarily make the guilt disappear.

You may understand perfectly well that you need to speak up and still feel guilt, or even fear when you do. You may recognize that someone else's disappointment isn't evidence of wrongdoing and still find yourself explaining your decision.

I've written before about why over-apologizing can become a trauma response. But I don't think we should assume that every apology, every guilty feeling, or every act of accommodation comes from trauma.

Culture teaches us how to behave, too.

And even after we question those lessons intellectually, our emotional responses may take longer to change.

This is where therapy can go beyond examining the rule itself.

I'm interested in what happens inside someone when they consider breaking it. Does guilt arise? Anxiety? Fear of rejection? Do they feel compelled to justify themselves?

We can explore those reactions, including their history, through approaches such as Brainspotting and EMDR when appropriate.

But I don't begin with the assumption that the person's reaction is the problem.

Sometimes the first thing worth examining is the expectation.

Questioning the Rules You Inherited

I don't think we need to reject everything we've inherited. Some traditions, values, and expectations serve us beautifully. Others deserve another look.

The next time you feel guilty for putting yourself first, consider asking who decided you shouldn't, where you learned that expectation, who benefits from it, and what it costs you to keep following it.

You may discover that the guilt is telling you something important about your values. Or you may discover that you've been following a rule whose original purpose no longer applies.

And with Thanksgiving right around the corner, when Uncle John—who has a Bible verse in his Instagram bio, has been divorced four times, and is now lecturing everyone about how women should submit to their husbands—starts holding court at the dinner table, you have options.

You can nod and smile, knowing he probably inherited that shit from someone who inherited it from someone else. You can laugh and tell him that if women should submit to their husbands, men should submit to a mandatory course on locating the dishwasher.

Or you can get curious.

"It seems really important to you that we understand how women should behave. What are you hoping to accomplish by telling us this? How does that benefit you? Do you think it benefits me?"

Of course, curiosity doesn't guarantee a thoughtful conversation. Your questions might be deflected, derailed, or dismissed entirely.

You can also change the subject, excuse yourself, or decide you'd rather have another slice of pie.

The point isn't which response you choose. It's whether you recognize that you have a choice.

Maybe you want to challenge the belief. Maybe you don't. Maybe you value keeping the peace that afternoon, or maybe speaking up matters more to you. Neither response has to become another rule about what a strong, healthy, or enlightened woman is supposed to do.

That's the whole point of questioning the turkey legs.

You get to decide what stays on your table.

Therapy for Guilt and People-Pleasing in Austin, TX

I'm Allison Briggs, M.Ed., LPC, founder of Being Real, PLLC, an Austin therapy practice specializing in developmental trauma, childhood emotional neglect, codependency, and relationship patterns.

My approach involves exploring not only the behaviors you've developed, but also the family and cultural expectations that helped shape them. I offer in-person therapy in Austin and virtual sessions throughout Texas.

If you find yourself repeatedly feeling guilty for resting, disappointing others, or making decisions that reflect your own needs, we can explore why those feelings persist and what you'd like to do differently.

I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss what you're experiencing and see whether working together would be a good fit.