How Co-Dependency and Denial Go Hand In Hand

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that allows individuals to avoid or suppress uncomfortable truths about themselves and their relationships. In the context of codependency, denial plays a crucial role in perpetuating the cycle of unhealthy attachment. 

There are many ways that denial can manifest in someone who is codependent, but one of the most common ways is by denying the dynamics of a dysfunctional relationship. 

Below is a scenario broken down to show how denial may look in a codependent relationship: 

Sophie is in a relationship with Tom, who frequently gets angry and becomes verbally aggressive when he’s stressed. Over time, his anger has escalated, and Sophie finds herself walking on eggshells around him, trying to avoid triggering his outbursts. Despite this, Sophie continuously convinces herself that Tom’s behavior isn’t a serious problem and that it’s just a temporary issue.

Rationalizing or Excusing Abuse: Tom’s verbal outbursts have become more frequent, and he often shouts at Sophie when things don’t go his way. He may call her names or belittle her, but Sophie brushes it off, telling herself, “He’s just under a lot of stress at work” or “He didn’t mean it, he’s just frustrated.” Sophie might even tell her friends and family that “Tom has a really tough job, and sometimes he just needs to blow off steam.” In doing so, she denies the reality that Tom’s verbal aggression is abusive and harmful, dismissing it as something that will "blow over" or "get better."

Denial of the Impact on Her Well-Being: Sophie is increasingly anxious and emotionally drained by the constant tension and fear of Tom’s outbursts. She’s no longer able to relax in her own home, but she convinces herself that her anxiety is just a result of “being too sensitive” or that Tom’s behavior is “not that bad.” She dismisses the fact that her emotional and mental health is deteriorating because of the toxic dynamic in the relationship. Sophie might even deny that she’s suffering from emotional distress because she feels guilty for focusing on her own needs rather than continuing to support Tom.

Denial of Her Role in Enabling the Behavior: Sophie plays a part in perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction by trying to "smooth things over" whenever Tom gets angry. After each outburst, she may apologize, even when she hasn’t done anything wrong, or she may try to "make him feel better" by doing something for him (like cooking his favorite meal or offering to help with his problems). In doing this, Sophie denies the role she plays in enabling Tom’s behavior. She convinces herself that if she just tries harder to "make things right" after each outburst, things will eventually improve — even though the pattern keeps repeating itself. She may even blame herself for Tom’s anger, thinking that if she were a better partner, he wouldn’t behave this way.

Denial of the Pattern: Sophie might fail to recognize that this pattern of verbal aggression, followed by apologies and temporary calm, is a recurring cycle. She may believe that each incident is an isolated occurrence and that Tom really does love her and is “a good person deep down.” She might tell herself, “He’s had a rough few months, but things will get better” or “He didn’t mean it; he’s sorry, and we’re okay now.” This denial of the ongoing cycle prevents Sophie from seeing the larger, dysfunctional dynamic at play — where Tom’s outbursts are not isolated incidents, but part of a damaging pattern of behavior.

The Dysfunctional Dynamic:

In this scenario, the dysfunctional dynamic is Tom’s verbal aggression and Sophie’s denial of its seriousness. The relationship has become imbalanced, with Sophie constantly trying to soothe or appease Tom, while Tom's anger is not properly addressed or held accountable. The denial that these behaviors are problematic or abusive keeps the cycle going, with Sophie feeling more and more responsible for Tom’s emotional state, while Tom remains unchecked in his behavior.

How Denial Maintains the Dysfunctional Dynamic:

Sophie’s denial prevents her from seeing that Tom’s behavior is not just a temporary or isolated issue, but rather a pattern of verbal aggression that is harmful to both her and the relationship. She’s unable to set clear boundaries or confront Tom about his behavior because she refuses to fully acknowledge the extent of the dysfunction. Denial serves as a coping mechanism to avoid the discomfort of facing the reality of the abusive cycle.

What Could Help Break the Denial?

To break the denial and address the dysfunctional dynamic, Sophie would need to:

• Acknowledge the truth: Sophie would have to recognize that Tom’s verbal aggression is not a "bad day" or an isolated event, but part of a repeated pattern of behavior that is harmful to her emotional well-being.
• Set and enforce boundaries: Sophie would need to learn how to set clear boundaries with Tom, such as not tolerating verbal abuse and being firm about what behavior is unacceptable.
• Seek professional help: Therapy could help Sophie recognize her role in enabling the behavior and help her develop healthier coping strategies. It would also help her understand that she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity.
• End the cycle: Sophie may need to confront Tom about his behavior, which could involve a difficult conversation or, in some cases, leaving the relationship if Tom refuses to acknowledge his behavior or seek help.

Denial in a codependent relationship often allows unhealthy dynamics to persist by distorting the reality of the situation. In this case, Sophie’s denial of Tom’s verbal aggression and the emotional toll it takes on her enables the dysfunctional cycle to continue. Recognizing the pattern and taking steps to break free from denial is crucial in healing from codependency and creating healthier, more balanced relationships.