Honor Thyself

Yesterday I attended a conference on self-harm so that I could better understand and help the kids I work with that engage in cutting. However, I walked away learning not only things about myself, but even the people I come in contact with in my life. The presenter, Dr. David Kamen, repeatedly stated throughout the day that those who self-harm "have an unethical relationship with their own body."I was spurred on to think about this in a broader context and I came to realize that to some degree or another, we are all susceptible to self-harm. However, our means of carrying out this method may look different from person to person. Someone who is addicted to drugs and continues to take the drugs as their body becomes emaciated is inflicting self-harm. Another individual may refuse to eat and expose their body to overexertion when it comes to staying physically fit because they perceive themselves as overweight. For someone else  it may mean constantly engaging in high risk taking behavior such as unprotected sex with multiple partners at a time.  Some people remain in abusive situations or around people that are intentionally or unintentionally harmful. There are also forms of self harm that are subtle and even socially acceptable. For instance, those on a constant quest of self-improvement who mentally whip themselves into becoming perfect, only to feel worse at the end. They may rigorously practice step by step techniques, attend self-help workshops, and read self help books. Others may self-harm through a rigid adherence to religious principles or a spiritual philosophy and when they don't attain their ideal self they feel even emptier and less worthy than before.All of these actions are usually a symptom of an internal dialogue that I call the "inner critic." The critic says things such as we are no good, not enough, a failure, worthless, small, insignificant, and of no value. When the inner critic is the driver in our lives we are drawn to experiences, people, and events that will confirm our "unworthiness" again and again, thus perpetuating the cycle of how we choose to behave towards ourselves.If we are all susceptible to self-harm to some degree or another-how do we find our way out?While I don't think any type of emotional change is ever black and white, or even simple, or that there is a step 1-3 process or formula that works, I have noticed that when I become aware of my critic and I acknowledge its existence, any negative inner dialogue diminishes significantly. I have also noticed that when the critic tries to take over, I don't judge it, but honor that at one time it served a function in my life, but that it doesn't have to be the driver anymore. This may sound counterintuitive, but when I judge the critic, I am judging a part of myself and again dishonoring, harming, and even disowning a a part of who I am which usually only compounds the problem. Emotional growth takes time, so does learning to treat and even view ourselves in a more realistic and compassionate way. However, the journey is worth it because by having self-compassion and treating ourselves with worth, respect, and dignity, we are more likely to experience inner freedom, increasing moments of happiness, and peace of mind.