The problem of gender roles

Here we are in the 21st century and we still have very entrenched ideas of what it is to be a woman. I started pondering this because I realized that today is International Women’s Day and the blog began from that inspiration. But as I wrote, I realized something. We also have very entrenched ideas of what it is to be a man.

When we think about what it is to be a man we use words such as strong, stoic, leaders, brave, and courageous. Men are generally rewarded for going after what they want, being at the top of the social status pecking order, having power, prestige and an alpha mentality. This is in many ways how men are epitomized in our culture. Men are powerful and the protectors. It is eat, or be eaten, and survival of the fittest in a man’s world. I have also watched my oldest son specifically have to fit into a narrowly defined role of what it is to be a man. He has been rewarded for sucking it up when he really wanted to cry, staying strong and pretending he has no fear. Men are only allowed to show a few different emotions, happiness is one, and so is anger. They are not allowed to feel fear, they are not allowed to cry. And if a man does show that kind of vulnerability, shows any type of emotional fragility or sensitivity he is told to “stop acting like a girl.” As if acting like a girl is bad to begin with. However, it is socially acceptable, encouraged and rewarded to play the one-up game, or outdo other boys or men with trash talk. I have witnessed how status, power, and invulnerability is rewarded in my own oldest son's male world.

On the opposite end of that spectrum, when we think about what it is to be a woman we use words such as sweet, soft, nurturing, giving, and loving. Women are rewarded for being the caretakers, and sacrificing themselves for their family and for others. Their merit and worth comes from the task of carrying a huge burden of giving selflessly until there is nothing left of them. As a female, I implicitly heard these messages growing up. It was good to be sweet and quiet, and agreeable, and giving. However, when I allowed my voice to come out, when I questioned, or challenged, or held contrary views, when I stood my ground, or asserted myself, many times I was judged and told I was being “too much” in some way, too difficult, too complicated, or too much of a thinker. 

Boys and men are rewarded for their strength, not their vulnerability. Women are rewarded for their vulnerability, not their strength. 

The problem with these very narrowly defined roles is that we limit the two polarities that exist within each and every one of us. I believe all of us have both feminine and masculine energy. When we become fully balanced and whole and own both the feminine and masculine energy, we reach greater potential and inner freedom. However, when we relate to ourselves and others defined only by our gender roles we limit the wholeness and human potential of who we are.

What if men allowed the care taking, nurturing qualities that are already inside of them out? Would there be as many single women raising boys on their own? Would such a great burden fall on only women?  What would happen if women learned to set boundaries and say no and to demand respect? Would there be less domestic abuse in households? ( I am not stating that women incite this by any means, but I do believe that if women used their voices at the beginning of a blossoming relationship they would discover what kind of man they're getting rather quickly and leave that relationship early). What if both women and men encouraged truth from men when it came to their feelings? What if we told men it is more courageous to cry or admit fear than it is to pretend you have none of those feelings at all? Would the rate of alcoholism and drug abuse among men possibly go down? Would cholesterol, and heart attacks also decrease in the male population?

I believe these are questions we must all ask ourselves as a society to move forward. Our world is imbalanced environmentally, economically, socially, politically, and otherwise and I believe it's in large part because of this imbalanced energy. What would happen if we actually started holding ourselves responsible for owning both the masculine and feminine energy that is within each of us? It may not always be comfortable to own but it does not mean it is not there, ready and waiting for the opportunity to come out.